The Mothership - Birth as Transformation, Surrender and a Return to Self
Hello Dear Reader!
I was recently honored to be a guest on the fabulous Mothership - Uncharted Territory blog. My doula journey has been one of many twists and turns - with the biggest being the birth of my beautiful daughter last Winter. Reflecting on this momentous occasion has brought so much clarity to my work, and I’m very pleased to share with you below.
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When I was a little girl, I used to play a game with myself about finding a baby wrapped in a blanket, nestled in a basket. She’d be crying, cooing, and calling out for me. And then she was mine, and I was hers. It was always a baby girl, and she always needed me. It felt as though we had finally found each other, she was searching for me, and I was searching for her. A prayer answered.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve felt like a mother without a child. My deep desire to care for others is a big part of what led me to become a birth doula. I’d always envisioned my little girl in my mind, long, golden, wavy hair, blue eyes, and a radiant smile.
I knew it would happen one day. I didn’t know how, and that didn’t matter. I held the vision of being a mother. I carried the felt sense of it.
My longing and determination to become a mother began at a very, very young age.
Fast forward to being 22 years old, living in Lake Tahoe, trying to find myself and searching for my calling. After having a transformational experience during my first time on the playa at Burning Man, I decided to drop out of college and follow my dream of becoming a doula. For the past 13 years, I have poured myself into my birth business and into mothering mothers.
Giving birth to my daughter, Vera, now 8 months ago, becoming a mother and being initiated into motherhood, I have felt more like myself than ever, even though I am brand new, a newborn in my own way. Everything is different, yet I feel more me than I ever have before.
Becoming a mother, for me, has been so much more than having a baby or physically going through birth. It has been a lifelong vision taking shape, born of deep curiosity. It’s been a reclamation and an embodiment of who I truly am and what I value. An initiation into the woman I am meant to be. A slow unveiling of her. A connection to the vast, wild web of life.
I almost feel like a child again, seeing the world and experiencing it for the first time, because everything is different now. Back to that little girl who found a lost baby that needed care. Back to the part of me that knows how to shed, let go, and transform. Back to the version of the woman, mother, and doula I have always longed to embody.
Becoming a mother has been a profound opportunity to ride the tidal waves of life itself, to be one with the wisdom of nature, spirit, and my body. The way we conceive, go into labor, give birth, produce milk, heal, and recalibrate postpartum is the truest expression of life as nature intended it.
None of these processes needed to read a book, and yet they unfolded perfectly, just as they were meant to, just as life designed them.
It has been a great return…a return to determination, to grit, to truth, to power, to authenticity.
I have to pause and give deep thanks to my community - my friends and sisters, previous clients, my partner Dylan, my mother, my midwife and doula, my teacher Pam England, and the rest of my support team. They are all behind me and a vital part of my journey into motherhood. I also want to acknowledge the privileges I hold - the access to quality care, supportive relationships, and the time and space to reflect and write that make it possible for me to share this story. I recognize that not everyone has these resources or opportunities, and I hold deep gratitude for the ways my path has been supported.
I had witnessed and supported hundreds of mothers into motherhood. I was deeply curious about what my own personal journey would be like. I had heard so many stories, but what would it be like for me? Rather than holding expectations, not knowing the answers helped me stay open to everything, helped me accept it all, and helped me extend grace to myself and my daughter as we lived one day at a time, together, anew. I find myself relying more and more on gut instinct and motherly intuition.
I was as ready as I could be for this journey. Being a doula for 13 years allowed me to subconsciously feel my way through what others were experiencing. You might say I had an upper hand.
I knew what I wanted, what was possible, and how to navigate any paths that might lie ahead.
I understood that becoming a mother would be a death, a rite of passage, an initiation. I knew it would demand all of my strength and then some. I knew profound change was underway.
What I didn’t know was how deeply I would love it, how perfectly it would feel, how tender the love would be, and how essential intention is.
The tough parts are not something to shove down or push away; they have been opportunities to lean into the power of surrender, support, and trust. To truly slow down, be present with my daughter and myself as a new mother, and with my family as a new unit. To feel deeply committed and connected to what life is all about: love.
From my childhood dreams of nurturing a baby to the lived reality of motherhood, this journey has been deeply personal and transformative. Through years of supporting others as a doula, I prepared emotionally and spiritually for my own path into motherhood, a path marked by surrender, authenticity, and connection. Becoming a mother has been more than physical birth; it is an unfolding of my identity, a reclamation of self, and a profound dance with life’s natural rhythms, supported by a cherished community and grounded in gratitude.
